Analysis:
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie
Carnegie’s book is a refreshing look
at how to interact and think about people. It gives leaders applicable tools which
will alter their internal motives and help them achieve objectives. This analysis
will capture the key points of the book and then point out specific stories and
applications of those points. The following ideas are a comingling of Carnegie’s
advice and applied analysis.
Fundamental
Techniques in Handling People
Avoid criticizing, condemning, and complaining
about others because you will lose credibility. Others will be hesitant to work
with you because they foresee themselves being the brunt of future
condemnation. People are creatures of emotion and not logic. If you criticize,
even if warranted, then they take offense. Instead one should understand that
people work under a different circumstances and you might act the same as them
were you in their shoes.
People think themselves as the most
important person on earth. Giving honest and sincere appreciation builds on
their self-esteem.
People want to think up good ideas
and operate efficiently on their own. It is important to create an environment
where people create their own ideas. An example would be with a salesman
effectively helping someone fix their own problems.
Six
Ways to Make People Like You
The dog is the only animal that doesn’t
have to work for a living because he is genuinely interested in people. He
doesn’t have ulterior motives to sell you real estate or marry you, he just legitimately
likes you. Be interested in other people as opposed to trying to make others
interested in you. To make friends you
need to do things which require time, unselfishness, thoughtfulness, and
energy. Remember people’s names and birthdays; remember events and topics which
are important to them. Repeat these things to yourself and use them in
conversation. Greet people with enthusiasm and animation; punch their first
impression button in the face.
Another principle is to smile.
People naturally will smile when they are smiled at. If you have bad feelings,
just smile, it melts animosity away.
Remember that a person’s name is to
them the sweetest sound in the entire world. Learn a name and associate it with
a fact about that person. The next time you see them use their name and
remember the fact. In a simple work environment, call people by their names and
it makes the customer service grow exponentially. “Good manners are made up of
petty sacrifices,” Emerson said.
Be a good listener and encourage
others to talk about themselves. People are more interested in the new zit on
their nose then the earthquake killing thousands in Africa. When you let others
talk they have a natural tendency to start liking you for some reason. Some of
the best friendships are built solely because one person lets the other talk
about their accomplishments and ideas.
When talking with someone, talk in
terms of their interests. Direct the conversation to the topics which you know
they enjoy and are learned on. Make them feel like the expert.
The hallmark of good breeding is
little phrases like: “I’m sorry to trouble you.” “Wont you please?” “Would you
mind?”. Sincerity in these regards relates to talking to people appropriately. Sincerely
talk about other people and they will listen for hours. Use these transition
phrases to make others feel important.
How to Win People to
Your Way of Thinking
You can’t win an argument. The only
way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it. A comical way to put it
is that when one person yells let them yell, never have two people yelling at
the same time. Buddha and MLK said something similar; hatred can never drive
out hatred, only love. Lincoln said, “No man who is resolved to make the most
of himself can ever spare time for personal contention.” Step back from heated
moments and see if there is any merit in the opposing side and reflect on the idea
that one’s initial reaction is to be defensible to their current position.
Never say that other people are
wrong. Let them admit it themselves that they are wrong. If you hurt someone’s
ego then all the logic in the world wont convince them of your position. Persuasion
involves the emotion they feel and people don’t wont you to tell them their current
position is wrong.
If you are wrong admit it quickly
and emphatically. People respect those who aren’t stuck in their ways. Trust is
built in the things you say if one knows that when you say something wrong then
you will admit it.
A drop of honey catches the heart,
begin in a friendly way. The iron fist crushes egos, but they soft approach
will surprise people and then they will surprise you in what they will do for
you.
Emphasize with people that you are
striving with them towards the same end goal. If you can get people saying yes
to the building blocks of your proposal then you will have success with them in
the long run. Momentum is built when people are agreeing with you; this is a
key to successful salesmen.
When dealing with complaints it is
good to let others do a great deal of talking.
No matter whether you are working
with a top executive or a four year old niece, it is critical to let them feel
like they came up with the ideas. This creates a feeling of cooperation.
Compliment their ideas and use their ideas for growth, and always let them
finish on top of the idea. Don’t be gunning for them to see your contribution.
Increase your tendency to think
always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from their
angle as well as from your own. Be sympathetic to their viewpoint and you will
both master their side but also be able to tinker your own opinions.
People want others to be sympathetic
about their struggles. The small child wants its parents to see the scratch on
the knee and the classmate wants you to say “Sorry about that” when they tell
you about the debacle of their weekend. Show sympathy when someone comes up and
tells you their day sucked. “Give a damn” about others.
Appeal to the nobler values.
Encourage others in a principle based way and not specifics.
Dramatizing ideas will get people
brains moving and blood pumping. Be energetic in your stories and opinionated
in your ideas.
Throw down a challenge. People are
competitive by nature. If you want others to get something done, then set up a
friendly wager.
How
to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
A barber lathers a man before he
shaves him. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. It’s always best to have
a high footing when a relationship develops or a conversation begins.
Avoid the word “but”. Don’t give
compliments and then tag on your but statement. Instead use “and”. You are a
great student and you will get even
better grades if you study more. Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing
the other person. To people how much a jerk you are before you transition to
their jerkiness.
No one likes to take orders. Asking
questions makes an order more palatable and often stimulates the creativity of
the person you ask.
Let the other person save face. It isn’t
worth it to have someone leave a group interaction feeling like they were
degraded. Build other people up and protect their honor from the critical views
of other people in the group.
Be hearty in you approbation and
lavish in your praise. Even the smallest things can be complimented and this
will propel people to higher levels. In general we live below our potential. If
we can receive a little momentum from a compliment then we will have what it
takes to reach our potential.
Give people a good reputation to
live up to. The story was given of a child who earned a bad reputation at
school, his new teacher changed this by changing his perception of himself and
vocally making him more important and different then his reputation. He was
given responsibility and his behavior changed.
Carnegie wasn’t a good dancer and he
knew it until a teacher told him he had some natural moves. This small sense of
achievement built within him a desire to be better and to feel like he had
accomplished something. Make faults seem easy to correct. Many people went on
to fulfill their potential solely because the stumbling blocks in the early
stages were overcome with positivity.
Make people happy about doing the
thing you suggest. The ultimate goal of leadership is to get others to do what
you want them to do, because they want to do it.
